So this is not what I expected to happen just after a month ago when I started this blog. For those not reading between the lines, it’s been a bit of a eventful couple of weeks. I’m realising that I need to refocus my life on God, again, and desiring to give all of myself over to Him, again, for His purpose, plan and desires, rather than my own, again.
As such, I’ve been re-evaluating what I’m doing on here, and what I want to do with this blog. I don’t know what that will mean right now, but it may mean I’m posting a little less often, because I’m not spending so much time cruising the web to find things to share. It may mean I’m posting some more personal stuff than I planned, as I talk about this journey I’m
embarkingcontinuing on. It may mean, and I do desire this, that I’m more open and transparent on here, but that’s complicated. It’s complicated mostly because it’s public, which is not the issue, but rather that my family and friends (and my wife), can see this, and to be open and honest is going to mean sharing things they haven’t known, or that I wouldn’t normally be open with them about.
I guess it’s like your first kiss. You’re excited that it’s happened, and you really don’t mind your parents knowing it’s happened, but you definitely don’t want to actually tell them, have them bring it up, or discuss it in them in any way, for them to pick apart and analyse. I think temporal distance makes those conversations easier. Don’t get me wrong, I very much am open and excited about feedback and encouragement (or maybe mild rebuke), and I hope my writing blesses and encourages you. It’s a thorny minefield in bare feet writing personally when you are aware your family and friends might read it. Yet, at least for this season, I desire some openness and transparency. I’ve been inspired. And I believe that being uncomfortable with exposing flaws and inadequacies, sins and struggles is natural, but there’s a necessity to it that far outweighs the discomfort.
It feels good to be ‘back’ in a sense. I’m hoping things may be different ‘this’ time. I feel a little bit like JD and Elliot on Scrubs when they get back together around the end of the series, and because they’ve been there so many times before, maybe this time they can dispense with all the drama, façades and just focus on being together. Maybe I can finally break through some of my hangups on preserving my image, or the image I have of myself. Pull my pride, selfishness, lusts, jealousies, lying, argumentativeness, stubbornness, selfish ambition, laziness etc out into the open, and deal with it a little. I used to be far more introspective, and I think I ran from that because I wasn’t able to deal with it. I’m starting to come back. It’s time to start delving into myself and my past and work through it, deal with it, and let Him take it.
The other parallel I’m seeing to JD and Elliot is that I’m kinda over a lot of things, or at least putting them on pedestals and thinking they’re going to ‘fix’ everything, that they’re the answer. Working through books, listening to sermons, conferences, all fantastic, but not the answer. He is. I do need to rest in His word more, pray that He opens it up to me afresh. In the past I’ve been inclined to return to books like Crazy Love and Radical, wanting them to recreate the inspiration and change they incited when I first read them (hint – it was Him, not the books). But I have a tendency, like maybe we all do, to reduce our lives, especially the way we approach God, to a to-do list. If I do this, this and this, my relationship with God will be amazing and I’ll do great things for Him and everything will be good.
Not so much. It’s messy, it’s going to be messy, and it will always be messy. And I’ll never have it altogether – if I did, why would I need Him?
I would add Multiply to those two books, but I may actually get ahold of it at some point*, and actually work through more than the first couple of sessions of it this time. With the intention of actually putting it into practice, which didn’t happen so much last time. In fact, and I know I’m not alone in this, that’s a portion of my story of walking with Christ. Lots of ideas, definite agreement with and enthusiasm for them, not so much on the follow through.
So maybe there won’t be as many reviews as often as I’d intended. And maybe I won’t be discussing and sharing as much randomness and I’d hoped. I doubt that will cease, in the near future, anyway. I’m hoping He won’t make me give up all of those things completely, just yet. I will probably be spending less time reading though, not that I’d managed to get down to nearly enough as I’d aspired to recently, but there you go.
*I actually have the PDF, but I think a print edition I can flick through and write all over might be more valuable, we’ll see.